Dear intrusive thoughts

in ,

Dear intrusive thoughts,

I am writing you to remind of what you already know but have forgotten. The order of these reminders is irrelevant. Whichever is easiest to trust, begin there.

Albert Einstein said that no problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. It’s absolutely true.

unnamed.jpg

Bottom line - you won’t be able to think yourself out of feeling scared. 

You think the ‘what’ of your anxiety is the matter at hand. But anxiety always needs a topic on which so perseverate, whether it be health, suicide, sexuality, a conflict, or existential uncertainty. The thoughts get sticky and snowball when you believe they are true. But you mustn’t forget – just because you thought it doesn’t mean it’s true.

Whatever the theme of the week, whatever the plague of ‘what ifs’, it all boils down to fear of uncertainty, of not-knowing, of death. Every single obsession points back to a core existential fear. That’s the place that needs some attention – some love, some truth, some comfort, some care.

When you worry that the thoughts will never stop, remember they are like the waves; it will become still again.

At some point the worry will morph into anxiety over anxiety (rather than whatever unanswerable question came prior), just remember it all points back to the same source. Peel back the surface layers (the thoughts) and beneath is a well of fear that has very little to do with the particulars.

You must approach that fear as if it were a child. And we know a child won’t calm down if the parent responds to child’s worries in agreement - “you’re right, the dark is fucking scary - your right a witch probably does live in the closet. 

Touch you’re anxiety like it’s a frightened child. If the parent in you is unavailable, then call upon someone you can be that parent for you. But remember, we need to grow your inner, wise, loving parent.  You can’t keep deferring to someone else because you aren’t willing to find that source of love in yourself…because it does reside within. 

I said it already but I’ll say it again…you won’t be able to think yourself out of this mental rut. We must continue to move and show up for life. Look back over this week - when was your anxiety the most quiet - what were you doing? I can almost guarantee you were actively engaged in an activity that required you to be present. As hard as it is and as paralyzing as this anxiety feels, remember that you always feel better when you choose to show up for life. Even if it’s watching a T.V. show that makes you laugh, or listening to a podcast where you learn something new, or visiting a friend. Yes, you may have to redirect your thoughts and attention back to the present 20, 30, 40, 100 times throughout the conversation, but it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t mean you failed or it’s futile. Every time you show up, every time you notice the intrusive thought and return to ask a question, or look your friend in the eye, or feel the ground beneath your feet….you are returning to reality; to something more true than the thoughts in your head.

Don’t forget all the mantras you have used in the past to act as anchors; to help you release obsessive checking. It’s best to choose one and commit to it for several days. Some of your favorites are as follows:

“I trust this thought isn’t true.”
“I am here”
“I chose into this moment.”
“Hello fear of being nobody” or “Hello need for certainty”
“All will be well”

My dear, I know it feels unbearable and unmanageable, but what weather system doth fail to evolve in time? Now place your hand on your heart with utmost tenderness. Summon Loving Presence to remind you that the ‘what ifs’ are just symptoms of a wound in need of a Mother.

Let those tears come. Let Her comfort you.

Art below is by @frizzkid . Check her work out. It’s fantastic.
Also, many of the practices and perspectives I have adopted to help cope with anxiety come from the work of Sheryl Paul. I highly recommend her work to anyone who suffers with intrusive, obsessive thinking.