A Song - 'Feedback'

Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life. — Anne Lamott

My partner and I made this little video this past Summer. We were cycling home and talking about my tendency to approach artistic endeavours only when the conditions are such that there’s a high likelihood I’ll be happy with the end result. I know there is goodness in working with lyrics and chords and melodies until a desired sound is achieved. We all approach art hoping to fully communicate a concept, idea, experience, or feeling and do them justice. However, I can get so bogged down by constant dissatisfaction in whatever I’m making that it kills any joy in the process.

I experienced this tendency two nights ago when I carved a pumpkin. I noticed inward resistance to starting because I didn’t want to carve a pumpkin with a crappy Superstore knife. I wanted those fine little serrated carving knives that allow you to make intricate patterns. When the eyelashes on my jack-o-lantern’s face looked nothing like eyelashes, I became frustrated and disappointed. The face I wanted to create looked nothing like the image I had in my mind. I’ll be honest, for a about five seconds I just wanted to toss in the towel. But since it was just pumpkin carving and the point of the activity was fun, I let it go and decided to embrace my pumpkin for who she had become ( plus mine still looked better than my partner’s :) .

Every now and then, when I was in the throes of the depression, I would sit down at the piano or pick up my guitar and just play. Sometimes just a few chords would come out. I did not judge what I was doing or the simplicity of what I was creating. Honestly, I was just proud of myself for showing up. The goal of producing something worthy of my approval was not even on my mind. Ironically, sometimes the beginning of a song would take shape during those rather pathetic songwriting sessions. And in fact several of them got completed when I was well enough to write lyrics and give them some focused energy. I often have to remind myself that just showing up and being open ought to be the goal. Nowadays, it’s that damn, nagging need for those little serrated carving knives that blocks my openness and okayness to accept whatever emerges when I sit down to write.

In an effort to combat resistance and perfectionism I am sharing with ya’ll poems and writings and songs that well, I think could use a lot more work. And that’s okay. I can still work on them, but I can also hold the process a lot more loosely.

When my partner and I got home that day, we set up a microphone. I sat down and sang this song. It’s an oldie but one I hold dear to my heart. This was the second take. There were only two. In a spirit of true rebellion I did no practice beforehand, and am now sharing it; imperfect and lovely - just as it is. Enjoy.