acceptance or betterment

I do not know how life is supposed to feel now.

If I once experienced life in technicolor, it is now softer - subtle, and lacks lustre.

I am wholly grateful to function - to enjoy once again the company of friends and family and music and nature - to have enough energy to care for myself and others.

And then there are days when I wonder: is this it? Will I ever return to feeling and experiencing life the way I once did? Has depression taken something from me that it will never give back? Do I resign myself to this new emotional landscape and grieve the vibrancy of the past?  Or do I hold on to emotional vitality as a fundamental part of my essence and seek her out? Do I go off anti-depressants? Are they the culprit?  What if they’re not? What if I go off my meds and have a major relapse?

Sometimes I really don’t know when to accept and when to keep hoping. When to stop viewing my numbness, or any number of unwanted symptoms as problems that need fixing - and when to keep striving for a life where I am more alive.

I don’t really think the two are mutually exclusive. Nonetheless, the tension remains.

Birdie

When I look for that flame and cannot find it,
I grieve the way like used to be –
like when I was young and overcome by spontaneous waves of joy.
But,
I must remember
even though the mountaintop evades me
I still watch birds build their home
and narrate in first person as though
I am a sparrow.
When I speak my little
birdie voice
I am glad,
and know there is Life.